Dating after getting a divorce sounds like the most challenging thing to try for many people, and in some cases, you might not even know how to get started. This guide offers all the information you need on the matter.
First Things First: Check Your Health
Before you even start thinking about finding a new partner and dating after divorce, you must consider your physical and mental health.
When someone is too keen on starting a new relationship, they might not notice that they’re simply not ready to date. Unfortunately, going through a divorce is not easy for anyone involved, so you must make sure that you’re ready to take the next step before you try it.
A few things to keep in mind are your sleeping schedule and appetite. If you’re not sleeping well, it’s likely your mood will be affected too. At the same time, eating healthy meals is essential to feel good.
A Divorce Can Be Physically and Emotionally Exhausting
Divorces can be both emotionally and physically demanding. Filling out all the papers and paying for the necessary fees, for example, if you’re hiring a lawyer, might put a lot of stress on your shoulders.
Consequently, your body and mind might be going through a rough time. Instead of trying to throw yourself into the dating pool and forcing you to think about future relationships, try to take things slow and focus on your body.
Should You Date While You’re Getting Divorced?
The answer to this question is not an easy one, and it’s definitely not the same for everyone. Some people spend a lot of time going through their divorce, and before they’re done with it, they’re ready to begin dating.
However, this doesn’t mean that it’s your situation. You might not feel in the right place to deal with a new romantic interest, which often happens when you’re married for a long time.
New relationships require time and emotional energy, and if you want to dedicate yourself to your new partner, you must be sure you’re ready to do so. Therefore, many therapists recommend you wait until you’re done with your divorce until you start looking for a new partner.
Rules for the Dating Scene
If you’re ready to get back into the dating game and start a new relationship, there are a few things you should keep in mind. Although these rules are not rigid and they don’t apply to all cases, you should consider each one before you try finding a new partner.
Reflect On Your Relationship
If you’re ready to leave your past relationship behind, you probably don’t want to make the same mistakes. A lot of divorced women don’t reflect on their old relationships when they’re looking for a new partner on dating apps, which often causes them to end up with people they don’t really match with.
A serious relationship requires much more than just chemistry, intimacy, and commitment. To make things work, you must be sure you’re emotionally ready to handle the situation.
Therefore, try to reflect on what went wrong last time. If you had a lot of communication issues, then working on that might be ideal to not fall into the same negative patterns.
Work On Your Anger
Dating after divorce means you’re probably going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Self-awareness is key if you want to make things work in your future relationships, so you must try to understand and manage your feelings, particularly anger.
Feeling angry after your divorce is completely normal. You’re probably frustrated because of your failed relationship. However, if you want to attract healthy people and enjoy your time with a new person, you must understand your anger and slowly let go of it.
If you’re going through a divorce or recently went through one, you might be feeling angry right now. On many occasions, you may think letting go of those feelings is impossible, but keep in mind that a lot of people feel that way. With emotional work and a good therapist, you can be ready for your next relationship.
Go at Your Own Pace
There is no specific time to heal when it comes to dating after divorce. Each relationship is a whole new universe, so if anyone says “you’re going too slow,” or “you’re going too fast,” they’re probably wrong.
If you think you’re ready to let go of your past relationship and meet a new person, then you can start working on yourself to make that happen. Instead of letting others’ opinions get to you, focus on how you’re feeling right now and see if you’re ready to take the next step.
Engage with Friends and Loved Ones
Just because you’re ready to start dating after a divorce doesn’t mean you should forget about your loved ones and friends. On the contrary, this is the perfect time for you to engage with them and remember how good you feel with other people.
Friends and family might help you reconnect with parts of yourself you’d forgotten about when you were married, especially if you were in an unhappy relationship for a long time. Now that you’re in a new headspace and you’re getting ready to start dating, spend more time with your loved ones and you might see how your mindset changes as well.
Spend Time Alone
Spending time alone is as important as being with your friends and family, especially if you’re getting ready for dating after divorce.
When you want to be in a new relationship, it’s often not just about finding the perfect dating site. There are a lot of things that go into making the ideal choice of partner, including feeling emotionally ready to start dating.
A key strategy to build your self-confidence and start dating after divorce is to, paradoxically, spend time alone. The more you do it, the more you might get to know yourself.
After some time alone, you might realize that you enjoy activities you’d completely forgotten about. Furthermore, you may notice that there are things you don’t like anymore.
Enjoy Your Hobbies and Try New Ones
New relationships require time and emotional energy, and if you want to be able to give that, you need to be in a good mood.
In other words, engaging in your favorite hobbies is essential because it helps you feel better about yourself, have different conversation topics, and have a good time, even if you haven’t found the perfect partner yet.
Try Online Dating
Many people think that dating after divorce is simply going to a bar and meeting someone new, but you don’t necessarily have to try things the traditional way. If you want, you can follow a modern approach and give online dating a try.
Some couples have met via online sites. If you take a look at others’ stories, you might notice that a lot of them are also filling out complicated divorce papers like you are.
It’s possible to find the perfect match for a serious relationship even in the most unexpected places, and that includes the online world.
Take Precautions When You Start Using a Dating Site
You can dip your toes back into the dating pool and use online sites to get into a new relationship, but there are some precautions you should take.
Watch out for obvious red flags (never meet someone in a dark alley, for example, even if they offer you the most expensive bottle of Chardonnay to enjoy the evening). Instead, try to think of online dating as a way to slowly get back into it.
Online dating sites are ideal to get your groove back on, which might be necessary if you were married for a long time. Learn to flirt again, peruse all the profiles you want, and try to find someone that matches the type of person you’d like to go out with!
Be Genuine and Honest
One of the essential rules of dating after divorce is being honest and genuine, but not just with your potential dates – with your ex-spouse, friends, family, children, and even with yourself.
Starting your first relationship after your marriage might be challenging, and in some cases, you might want to keep it hidden from some people. Although it’s completely normal, you should remember that you can’t keep it going forever, and you shouldn’t.
Eventually, you have to sit down with your kids and explain who’s that stranger that’s picking you up on Friday nights, or you might have to tell your mother that no, you’re not getting back together with your ex-partner.
Don’t Over-complain about Your Ex
Complaining about your ex-partner is both expected and normal when you end long-term relationships. If you tell your new partners you just ended your marriage, they might not care much about the occasional ex-talk.
However, you shouldn’t focus your first relationship on simply talking about your failed marriage. On the one hand, you’ll lose precious time you can spend engaging in new, meaningful conversation topics.
Then, on the other hand, your new partner might believe you’re not ready for a new relationship at all. Therefore, try to keep the ex-talk to a minimum.
Try New Things
Ending your marriage might seem like a catastrophe at first, but if you want a new relationship, then it’s the perfect moment to try new things.
If you try new things, you can meet wonderful people and enjoy activities you’d never tried before. Even if you don’t end up in a relationship, you can have a fun time!
Trust Your Intuition
On many occasions, being married means you start ignoring your intuition because you grow accustomed to your partner. You might be completely used to what they like, which of course, makes you feel secure.
Nonetheless, if you’re back in the dating game, there are a lot of red flags you should look out for, and your intuition might let you know that someone just isn’t the right person for you.
If your gut tells you that this Jane Doe you met online simply sounds too good to be true, you’re probably right. Trust your instincts and keep trying.
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the things that no one tells you about your first relationship after your marriage is that you need to set reasonable expectations.
Wanting an intense Disney-like fling after being married for a long time is normal, but you need to keep your feet on earth if you want something meaningful and long-lasting.
A new romance can be thrilling and exciting, but it should also be achievable and realistic. Partners are meant to accompany you in various areas of your life, so although a slow burn might sound too boring at first, remember that it may be the best option in the long run.
Avoid Thinking about Marriage Right Away
Being married provides comfort to a lot of people, so if you feel this way, you’re not alone. The thought of spending the rest of your life with someone is hopeful and might make you very happy.
However, when you’re meeting someone after getting divorced, you should steer clear of the idea of being married again. You may need some time to make your first relationship work, and you don’t want to jump into a long-term commitment that you might not be able to handle.
Try to Go Out On Dates You’ve Never Been to Before
Although being married is very fun, spending so much time in a relationship means you might have wanted to go out on dates that never happened.
One of the good parts of dating again is that you can give these activities a try. If you’ve always wanted to rock-climb, go on a hike, or have other adventures with your partner, this is the perfect moment to do so.
Be Patient with Chemistry
Some people wrongly believe that the moment they start dating after divorce, they will be able to immediately connect with their new partners. Unfortunately, that’s often not the case.
If you want to start your new relationship in a healthy way, work on chemistry the same way you did in high school – slowly and carefully. Try being friends first, identify deal-breakers, and go on as many dates as you can.
In a while, you might notice your feelings grow. Some people hit it off quickly, some don’t. When things are going nowhere, you might want to pull the brakes and call it a day, but remember to be as patient as you can – you might be surprised!
Walk Away if You Need to
You should be patient as you begin meeting potential partners and going on dates, but you shouldn’t spend months trying to make things work if you see that they’re going nowhere.
The most important thing about being ready to date again is to have fun while you’re giving it a try. Therefore, don’t wait too long either – if there’s no chemistry, it might simply be time for you to move on.
Don’t Involve Your Kids Too Soon
Your kids are going through a challenging time as well. After you’re divorced, they have to adapt to the idea of having two separate homes. On some occasions, you and your ex-partner might live far away, which can affect the children as well.
Although it might not seem like it, your kids are grieving the loss of your relationship too. Thus, introducing them to a new partner too soon might be a recipe for disaster.
Instead of forcing your partner on your kids’ lives, try a different approach and focus on both their well-being and yours.
Slowly Introduce Your Children to the Idea
One of the best ways to manage your kids when it comes to new potential dates is to slowly introduce them to the idea. Reassure them and tell them that no one can replace their other parent, but that you would enjoy the company of a new partner.
Depending on how old your kids are, you might experience different reactions. If they’re teens, they might be angry or completely refuse the idea. However, with time, they can understand that this is your choice and that it makes you happy.
Be Willing to Put in the Work
Romcoms and Disney movies are very sweet if you want to dream about having the perfect relationship. However, in real life, things often don’t work out that way.
Having a new partner means you have to put in the work. You might need to go to therapy, have difficult talks with your children, readapt to the new situation, and so on.
Relationships require work and emotional energy, and if you want to meet a new partner, you must be ready for that.
Work On Yourself!
The most important thing about dating again is recognizing yourself as someone worth it. You deserve love, and you’re allowed to have the partner of your dreams by your side.
When you’re fresh out of marriage, you might not notice all the qualities you have to offer a new partner. Therefore, self-work is definitely the most crucial kind because it allows you to notice all your strengths and the positive aspects you can bring in to the table.
Tips to Get Back on the Dating Scene
If you’ve decided you’re ready to start dating again, there are a few tips you can follow to make things easier. Although you’re probably in for a rollercoaster ride of emotions, you can enjoy the process too.
Know that Chemistry Doesn’t Mean a Long-term Relationship
Many people declare they’re ready to start dating, but they meet new people with a wrong idea of what it might be like.
If you have an enjoyable connection with someone, it doesn’t mean things can last forever. Your failed marriage is the living proof of that.
Having chemistry with someone is pleasant, but it is by no means an indicator that the relationship has to last forever. On the contrary – you should enjoy what you currently have, and work on it to make it last as long as possible without having unrealistic expectations.
Ask Yourself: Are You Ready to Date?
The first question you should ask yourself (even before you start filling out profiles on dating sites) is whether or not you’re ready to date again.
Some people believe this question is cliche, but it’s truly the most important one to keep in mind when you’re thinking about getting back in the game.
The truth is that going through a divorce is not easy, and not everyone is ready to date right after the process is done.
If you think you’re ready to start dating, then you can work on yourself and make sure you make the most out of your new experience. However, if you’re not, don’t put unnecessary pressure on your shoulders – there’s no rush.
Grieve Your Losses
When people think about grief, they often imagine someone dying. However, grieving means you’re experiencing unpleasant emotions due to the loss of something that was dear to you.
Consequently, going through a divorce means you’re grieving the loss of your marriage and many more things (such as the idea you had about your family). You must give yourself the time you need to go through this process, even if you consider you’re ready to start dating again.
Grief takes a different amount of time depending on the person. There is no specific time to heal, and you should take things day by day.
Some days might be harder than others, especially if something reminds you of the good times you spent while married. However, at some point, you might notice that you feel much better than before and that you’re ready to share your life with someone else.
Give Yourself the Time You Need
As was mentioned before, you shouldn’t rush your process. Each person’s marriage and divorce are different. While some are keen to date again, others need months (or even a year) to slowly ease themselves back into it.
If you read other people’s stories, you might feel tempted to compare your process with theirs. However, you should never do this.
Instead, try to measure your growth by only comparing it to where you were before. In other words, take a look at where you are today and examine how you felt a month ago or even a week ago.
On many occasions, you might be surprised at how much you’ve learned in such a short span of time.
Try to Take Things Slow On the First Date
You deserve the intimacy you want, regardless of who you’re with. Thus, although you might feel tempted to rush things on the first date and take your new potential partner to bed, try to slow everything down.
Considering that your marriage barely ended, you’re probably used to feeling secure in the bedroom. You’re used to what they liked, and in some cases, you’re also accustomed to not enjoying your intimate time with them.
If you’re ready to date again, it means you’re also putting yourself out there to build intimate and meaningful relationships. However, this requires time.
Some people prefer a one-night stand to feel the pleasure their body yearns for, and that’s completely valid. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship with a partner, you should try to build a connection with them from the first moment you meet them.
Watch Out for Potentially Dangerous Situations
Unfortunately, not everyone has good intentions when it comes to going out with someone else. Sometimes people want to use others for their benefit, and this is something you should look out for, especially if you have children to take care of.
There are obvious security measures to take when you’re going out with a stranger. Try to keep the finance talk to a minimum, for example, and don’t give too many details about your life.
Instead of doing that, focus on talking about what you enjoy, what you don’t like, your goals, and your dreams. Learn more about them as a person, ask them where they grew up, and try to get to know their personality.
Draw a Map
An easy way to know how to get to where you want is to know where you are right now. To do this, you can draw a map of your current relationship status.
Say you’re at point ‘A.’ Describe how you’re feeling, what you’ve been through with your ex-partner, your situation at home, and everything you can.
Then, describe where you’d like to be. Maybe you want to form a meaningful connection with a partner who enjoys simple things, like a glass of wine over a bad Netflix film on a Saturday night. Whatever it is, write it down and visualize it in your future.
Now that you have your points ‘A’ and ‘B,’ it’s time for you to trace a journey that gets you from one to the other. If you found out that online dating is not for you, then it’s time for you to go out more and see if you can find the person of your dreams.
Regardless of how long you spend making your relationship map, you can get something good out of it. Self-awareness is a great advantage when you’re looking for a partner, so make sure you give this tip a try.
Go to Therapy
Going to therapy is one of the best ideas ever, especially after a divorce. Splitting with your partner means you’re going through a lot on an emotional level, and licensed therapists can help you understand and manage your emotions.
At the same time, going to therapy is a fantastic way to get to know yourself better. It helps you understand what you like and what you don’t, which is essential if you want to be in a new relationship.
Why Is Therapy So Important?
On many occasions, ending a marriage means you’re feeling angry, sad, anxious, scared, and even reluctant to date again (even if you want a new partner).
With a licensed therapist, you can work all your feelings out and understand them better. Additionally, going to therapy gives you the tools you need to feel confident, comfortable with yourself, and motivated to meet new people.
If You Have Children, Don’t Hide it
You can’t hide your dates from your children forever. If you try to, you might quickly notice they figured it out, and they might feel as though you’ve been lying to them.
Instead of damaging your relationship with your children, get them involved as much as you can. Talk to them about the prospect of having a new partner, and make them see that they’re important for you in the decision-making process.
Don’t Despair
Getting ready to date again might be daunting, even if you’re going with a good therapist. The process requires you to be patient with yourself, so you shouldn’t try to rush it or force yourself to feel things you’re not ready to.
Just because you’re not prepared to date right now doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way. On the contrary, the fact that you can recognize it means you’re working on yourself and trying to feel better after your divorce.
When Is it Okay to Start Dating?
Most people ask when it’s ‘permitted’ to start dating after getting a divorce – it’s one of the most frequent questions. However, there is no specific answer.
Everyone Has Their Own Speed
The truth is that everyone has their own process and speed, and you can’t rush yourself, but you also shouldn’t force it to go slower than you need to.
If you feel you’re ready to start dating again, then go for it. On the other hand, if you think you should wait longer, then give yourself the time you need.
Conclusion
Getting back in the dating game after a divorce is certainly challenging, especially because you have to feel good about yourself and think about your family. Although there are a lot of things to keep in mind, you deserve to be happy, so evaluate your situation and start meeting some potential partners.